A couple months ago I got this message from the Universe (yup, one of those). The message was that I needed to get start getting up earlier.
Now, let me tell you what the big deal is about getting up early.
I have this kid, you see. This sweet, wily, hilarious and over-the-top crazy little human who controls my life. And this little human pretty much from day one woke up at the butt-ass-crack of…no, before the butt-ass-crack of dawn. It’s like he had to get a front row seat or something. (If you are wondering when the “butt-ass-crack of dawn” exactly is, it is 4:45am. Or at least it was between 4:30 and 5am for almost a solid year. And before you start assuming anything: YES, I TRIED THAT. NO, IT DID NOT WORK. )
What I learned over that year was acceptance, sometimes through tears. But all of my resistances (which included strategies to “fix” the problem) only in the end caused suffering whereas accepting what was happening just meant that:
1) I was tired.
2) It is hard being tired.
Tired is one thing, suffering is another. Tired can miserable, but suffering is what I was causing myself by trying to fight the truth of what was going on: I had a kid who woke up early no matter what we did.
But here is the truth we all know: things change. This is the one truth you can tell a new parent that is actually helpful: It will change. It always changes. Don’t try and tell them when! “Oh, when he gets to 3 months….when he gets to 6 months…a year…18 months… 2 years…” No one knows when because they don’t know your kid, they only know their own experience or worse, what they heard. People want to help and say something positive but it is really just a set up for bitterness and despair when the promised milestone is reached and you are…. still in a shit-hole situation. So let’s just stop doing that to parents who are having a hard time. Let’s not even say “it will get better” (because you don’t know and sometimes it doesn’t, sometimes it gets worse. Or whatever is hard is replaced by something even shittier and harder.) Eventually, it probably will get better. But no one knows when and I have never found the idea that “better” is somewhere out in the distance floating around very comforting. It’s like telling someone who is dying of thirst, “Don’t worry, someday it will rain. Try not to die until then.”
Things change. Another way to say it is right now is the only true thing.
Holding on to this has made the hard moments softer to bear and the high moments ever more sweet because I know: it may change tomorrow, in an hour, next month or in five minutes. Cultivating continuous presence is the key that unlocks the ability to see what is true right now, what needs to shift and what I know I can breathe through, and what I better slow down and soak up.
So a couple months ago things shifted and the little Acorn Scout (at age 2 and a half) started sleeping until… SIX!! SIX AM!!!! A fucking miracle and nothing less, let me tell you. It is life-changing. I am reborn. Out of the darkness and wretched despair of night wakings, I rise victorious and the world is a beautiful place again and I am full of love for all people. Overall, things have fallen into a comfortable routine around here these days; no major struggles with bedtime, nap time, meal time. Always on the go, always talking, the little monster is generally content and increasingly independent. My work and school schedule, as well as my partner’s schedule have settled into predictability which is really nice. I feel like we are officially out of the “baby haze” and the survival mode of the first couple years. Life has lent us a bit of reprieve from any major crisis for the moment and of course, most of all, we are all sleeping.
So when I hear this little tug I try to swat it away. For two and a half years I have been fitting in my meditation and yoga practice where I can. A few moments here and there, and at naptime or in the evening. Juggling work and childcare and an opposite schedule from my partner meant constantly shifting things around, like an endless puzzle where there’s the inevitable jamming together of pieces that don’t fit just right and then left over pieces with no place to go. But for awhile there’s been the feeling that I want to take my meditation practice deeper and I was still struggling to make space in the day for myself.
So this inner voice pipes up (as it will do) and tells me to start waking up at 5am. And I immediately answer with “You have got to be f***ing kidding me.”
Let me skip to the end of this argument (which I lost, or won, however you look at it.) When the Universe asks something of you and you say yes, all the support you need is in full supply. I go to bed early. I am usually asleep by 9 pm these days. And 5am arrives and it is quiet. It is sacred. It is all mine.
By the time I hear my son stirring (6am on the dot, that kid is never late) I am in a completely different space, heart, mind and body. I am able to give from a place of fullness instead of scraping the bottom and feeling the prickly irritation of having to give more than I have. And THEN this other miracle happened: Since I have committed to getting Acorn Scout out of bed and fed every morning, he has agreed to do bedtime routine every night which means I suddenly also have a 30 whole other minutes in the evenings to do something for myself. Holy crap! What??!
Here is my challenge to you: What is your truth right now? Not the story you are telling yourself about what things “should” be like but what is true? What is being asked of you?
Remember: the Universe never asks you to do anything without being ready to rush in with full support.
And unexpected blessings and gifts await you. It never fails.
Samputa mudra – For cultivating truth (Satya)
The left hand is slightly cupped, the right hand rests on top with the fingers along the left thumb, created a space as if you held a precious treasure within your hands. Your truth. The voice of your true inner being.
Mudras are gestures of the hands, face or body that are used to evoke certain spiritual, physical or psychological qualities and have been used for over 2,000 years but they can also be found in various religious, cultural and ritual practice around the world dating back thousands of years. The hands and fingers contain more sensory and nerve-endings than almost anywhere else in the body. This makes them a powerful tool for communicating directly to our brains and the rest of the body. The subtle position of our hands and bodies have the capacity to alter the geometry and circuitry of the body, shifting vital energies. They are a powerful tool for any mediation practice.
When using mudras in meditation we hold the core quality of the gesture in our minds lightly and simply watch the effects on our breath, body, energy, thoughts and emotions that arise. We don’t try to change the breath or battle the thoughts or feelings that come. We just notice and gently steers our awareness back to the gesture and what we are awakening within ourselves. Because there is truly nothing we need that is not already there, waiting to be called forth.
For more an amazing resource on Mudras check out: Mudras for Healing and Transformation by Joseph and Lilian Le Page
4 thoughts on “The only true thing.”
excuse me while I fall about laughing 🙂 Not at you my dear, but WITH you, at myself, with all of us 🙂 My son too woke up at butt fuck o’clock – for YEARS. until he went to school, really, about 4. Always an early riser, but now having to share this time with a hungry toddler, was HARD, so hard. Like you say though, and it is also the single most reassuring advice I have ever received – all things change.
I especially love the added help in the evening you received by surrendering to the Universe’s ‘advice’. Love it all, thanks for sharing xo
Yep – can so relate to this. Went through the same process. Only my son was never getting up that early – usually around 6:30am. But man did I miss MY mornings. Eventually I realised the only thing for it was to start getting up at 5:30am. Which I LOVE, but still find hard. It’s 1pm now and I’m tired… but hey, I get an hour to myself to meditate and write, and that is GOLD
Kara-Leah, I am amazed what that little bit of sacred time can do – I am in a completely different space by the time my son wakes up. I am a better mom when I can show up for myself first. So easy to forget this. (: